Most of you have probably heard about snake handling, especially from sources like The X-Files, news shows or some “documentary” on The History Channel about crazy religious sects.
What’s the stereotypical view of snake handlers? They’re a bunch of crazy hillbillies that can survive snake bites and drinking strychnine.
But that’s only half the truth. There are also snake handlers in Indiana, Michigan and Canada. In addition to snake venom and poisons, they’re also able to read italicized yellow type placed over photos. That, my friends, is the power of Christ.
But what do snake handlers believe in? That can be answered by the photo at the top of the post.
- “No gossip” - That’s a good one, but hard to pull off in any church.
- “No talebearing” - This one’s pretty good too, but it makes me wonder if they allow beartailing.
- “No lying” - I reckon this is a fancy version of number 2, y’know, for new people.
- “No backbitiing” - I’m pretty sure this one is just for the snakes.
- I’m pretty sure this one says “no bad language.”
- All I can make out for this one is “pulp,” so I guess it’s about orange juice.
- “No tobacco” - Snake venom and strychnine are cool, but cigarettes can kill you.
- I can’t read this one, and I don’t know of any words with “hnyk” in them.
- The next few look like they say “no hairy beard cutting on prom day.” I couldn’t find corroboration in any John Hughes movies, but if you’re going to pick a time to shave your beard, it’s not before the big dance.
- The bottom right corner looks like it’s saying something about pulp again. Juice is serious business, you guys.
But a thread commenter in a qqq.alien-earth.org forum posed an interesting question. When the proselytizing nature of religion combines with a limited natural resource like snakes, what happens when the demand outreaches the supply? Does God make more, as Cheryl Heuton suggested? Or does capitalism kick in, with snake farms and snake manufacturers supplying slithery gold to the needy churches? Do they only accept American (and occasionally Canadian) snakes, or will they accept imports from Australian snake ranches?
In a rare example of the ineffectiveness of internet forums, the best solution the followers of qqq.alient-earth.org could come up with for the issue of snake supply is that St. Patrick is probably not the patron saint of the snake handlers.
Perhaps it is best that snake handlers don’t expand beyond their current numbers. I just don’t think mainstream America (and occasionally Canada) is ready for their strict doctrine on pulp and shaving before prom. And in this economy, can we really risk a snake shortage?
(All pictures originally from http://holiness-snake-handlers.webs.com/). Captions by me.
